About Us

We are well over a few months old now but still don't really have the right sort of bikes for the job and slag off the riding of others even though we often break bikes in the pursuit of making ourselves look like dicks wheelying down the road

F.A.F Courier Poptart

Our rates are variable depending on how posh and needy you sound and we want cash when we pick your shit up, paypal also accepted and cheques and accounts on request if you really must but much prefer cash so we can get fags, beer and food while we're out and it's easier to hide it from the tax geezer.

Accounts must be paid within 30 days, if not we add a huge% and send our debt collector 'Donk' round, you really don't want him turning up, he'll fuck you up.

Pricing - London
North of the River Thames £58, South of the River Thames £68, East of the River Thames £78, West of the River Thames £48, Inside the M25 £60, Canary Wharf £72

Elsewhere
A journey from FF9 to BN1 will be charged at about 140 quid as Bournemouth is about 135 miles away from Milton Keynes and at a rate that enables us to stay on the road and also afford food. I think that’s about right (sorry for not doing it for just the price of the petrol)

Company history
We're fucking fast and getting faster, we've even had a load of jobs and planning to get more by stealing customers by underhand means. Dirty Ho Logistics and Tiny Nob Transport don't stand a chance now Fast As Fuck couriers are on the scene.
We will be the biggest and the fastest (maybe even the best one day like loads of new couriers tell us on their sites)

Need Work?
We're so busy we need loads of extra bike riders and even a van or 50. If you want to earn hundreds of pounds a day simply send us a tenner each week and we'll promise to email you at least several quote requests each and every week. If you need help, we can flog you a courier guide written by an expert for only 35 quid. It's a worthless tissue of bullshit but it sounds good. (no promises of actual work, replies to quotes you supply or anything else because most of the quotes come from other riders testing the system but for a tenner a week what do you expect?)

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Customer testimonials
We've used F.A.F. only once so far to deliver a package to London and it got there fine once it had been picked up off the M25 after crashing.
Overall they were Fast As Fuck !!
Mr D. Y. Rector, MK biz niss

I ordered a courier to deliver some valuable items and they sent a soddin burd, blamed it on a faulty sat nav when it got to it's destination 2 days later, was better last time, they were fast as fuck when a proper bloke courier did it.
Mr P.I Stoff,

Some scruffy teenage hooligan turned up doing burnouts on my drive to collect my important tender before crashing into some old love innocently driving down the road. Delivery was delayed due to some lame excuse about spinal boards or suchlike.
Mr M, Hat - Laydown Bustard